Relationships

I was teaching at a high school today and was reading the school newspaper. It had an interesting article about romantic relationships and what constitutes a good relationship and an abusive one. Sometimes I come upon something that is significant and strikes me as an important article that teaches us about how to be a good partner and how not to be a good partner. I realise that sometimes we all need a self assessment to find out what we can do to be more loving in nature. I personally would like to be a more loving person and have great relationships with the people in my life.

In the article it talks about how we should never be afraid to talk about someone about our problems. Although this is geared towards teenagers I think we can all take a good look at how our personal relationships can be improved. In one part of the article the writer asks the reader...How do I know if someone really loves you and treats you right? Here are some of the indicators that tell a person that they are not being treated right:

• They are possessive towards you



• They try to control you by being demanding or bossy



• They call you demeaning names that hurt you



• They lose their temper and anger quickly



• They monitor your social life, try to cut you off from friends and activities and keep you to themselves



• They pressure you sexually



• They blame you for their emotional problems



• They blame you for the way they treat you



• They have a history of bad relationships



• Your friends or family have warned you about them or told you they're worried for you



• You are scared to do certain things because of how they may react



• They "joke" about you in ways that hurt your feelings



• You break up and get back together repeatedly



• They grab you, shove you, or hit your when you upset them or they are stressed



• They break things or take their anger out on inanimate objects when stressed out or upset



• They ask people to watch you and tell you about it to get you to "behave"



• They don't let you have feelings, get mad at you when you're mad or make you feel guilty for being upset



• They tell you you're the abusive one



• They seem too good to be true at first



• They buy you things after a fight to make you forget about it or make you think they're sorry



• They promise to change repeatedly but never actually do



• They blame you for any fights you get into



• They are always right in their mind



• You feel trapped with no way out



• They disrespect other women/men



• They pressure you to change the way you look, clothes, hair, etc



• They accuse you of liking other people frequently



• They threaten suicide if you try to leave them



• They keep you from school or work



• They go through you belongings

After I read this list, I came to the understanding that the behavior that is being described is unrighteous dominion. Years ago I read an article about unrighteous dominion written by Elder H. Burke Peterson called Unrighteous Dominion (Ensign, July 1989). He said, "Exercising unrighteous dominion can follow many patterns. It may be relatively mild when expressed as criticism, anger, or feelings of severe frustration. In more extreme cases unrighteous dominion may be expressed as verbal, physical, or emotional abuse." Elder Peterson goes on to explain that often when people go to others to express their need for help, instead of getting sympathy and understanding "they are told to change their own attitude" and are criticized and condemned for not forgiving others when they themselves had nothing to do with the behavior they are experiencing.

I have experienced this in my own life in which I was criticized and made to feel unrighteous even though I was serving in a calling with all my strength and heart. President Kimball taught that, "Men often do not give women inadequate respect. I often think that our own Latter-Day Saint women are needy because some of us are not as thoughtful and considerate of them as we should be. Our pantries are filled with food but yet our sisters are starved for affection and recognition." (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 1982, p. 317). This lack of recognition can take a toll on women who are striving to do all they can and suddenly are told that they are inadequate because of criticism.

In D&C 121:41-44 the Lord explains what unrighteous dominion is and how to overcome it. He says, "No power or influence ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, by loved unfeigned: By kindness and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge thy soul without hypocrisy and without guile--reproving betimes with sharpness when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth an increase in love towards him whom thou hast reproved lest he esteem thee to be thy enemy; That he may know thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death." So if we are truly to become saints there is a lot for us to overcome. Practicing our religion is of utmost importance in overcoming the tendency towards unrighteous dominion.