Faith versus Fear

I have been reading about Moses and the children of Israel when they were in the desert going to the promised land. Moses was tried severely by the children of Israel who complained about their condition again and again wanting to go back to Egypt. There is a lesson in this story and the lesson is not very obvious. When we have a bad attitude we are unable to feel good about anything in life. The children of Israel had an attitude of doom and gloom. It was difficult for Moses.

When the camp reached near their destination Moses sent 12 spies to see what the land was like, one from each tribe. Caleb and Joshua were from the tribes of Ephraim and Judah. They came back and enthusiastically told the camp how the land was flowing with milk and honey. Their enthusiasm was not accepted by the children of Israel when the other 10 spies came back and spoke of the giants they saw in the land and how strong the people were. The camp rebelled against the words of Caleb and Joshua and they wanted to stone them. The Lord intervened for them. Because of the rebellion the children of Israel had to spend 40 more years in the desert, one year for each day the spies were gone. Everyone who was over 20 years had died by that time except for Joshua and Caleb. Moses did not enter into the promised land but gave his last speech to the children of Israel at the base of Mt. Nebo and then was translated.

So what is the lesson to be learned? I believe that the way we think is important to the Lord. The Holy Spirit will dwell with those who think positively and do not murmur about their condition. Negative thinking entertains feelings of fear. Fear generates pride, coveting, criticism, depression, selfishness, hatred, power ploys, and mental disturbance in general. Fear is aggressive. It insists on being right, having self pity, feelings of being wronged, fearing we are not liked, and insisting on being in a bad mood. Faith generates feelings of love, uplifting thoughts, unselfishness, happiness and peace. When we insist on following thoughts of fear we are not following faith. They are opposing forces.

Patience

I often wonder if learning patience and courage are one of my greatest faults and strengths. I have had to learn patience many times in my life even now have to be patient with the circumstances in my life. Pregnancy was one great learning experience for me in patience. I was sick in the first months of pregnancy to the point where I lost 20 plus pounds with each one. I went through it five times. At one point when I was pregnant with Kent I was talking on the phone with my Mom and found myself in the next instance I remembered lying on the floor with the phone in my hand. I didn't eat anything for two weeks straight and could only drink sips of Sprite. With Jonathan Kerry tied an ice cream bucket to my wrist so that if I couldn't make it to the bathroom...I don't want to finish that thought. Jan came over and helped me with Kristen. I had dwindled to 108 pounds and found myself unable to have the energy to do anything. I could not keep anything down and so she made me take two tablespoons of oatmeal every half hour until I could eat again because my body rejected everything. I prayed with Jenessa that it would be easier but in that instance I had to learn patience again. I got to the point where I was giving up and then thought of the baby. I had to choose to live, to force myself to eat, to choose to love someone more than myself. I wanted Jenessa and my other children and chose to live for them. Motherhood is like that sometimes in the way that a person has to give up a part of themselves for another.

There are many instances besides being a mother in which I have had to learn patience. Sometimes the cards that I have been given in life have shown me that life isn't fair. It is hard sometimes and there are things that seem to repeat themselves over and over. I often ask myself why I had to endure such things and fight against such odds. There are times when I have had to endure being blamed for something that I had nothing to do with and take responsibility for things that were out of my control. The frustration mounted at those times and I had to learn patience and longsuffering. I have never been rich, but I have had enough to sustain me. There have been times when I have wondered how I was going to buy groceries or how I was going to feed my family, if the debts we had incurred through school loans and doctor bills would ever be paid, or if my children would have enough. I am a person who worries about such things and often Kerry would tell me not to worry because he hates it when I do. At such times I have had to learn patience that the material things in life would somehow be provided.

When I was a teenager I thought that I could control everything that could happen in life. It isn't that simple. I thought everything would be great if I did everything right. I wouldn't have problems. I bet my sister thought like that too. She thought that if she did everything right that her life would be easier. It hasn't for her and I have had my own challenges. The agency of other people sometimes interferes with our idealistic life and hard work. I worked hard for 6 years because I wanted to have something to do when my children left home. It didn't work out that way. Circumstances happen in life that change everything. So I finished school at the top of my game. I graduated with honors all the way through, had scholarships, was greatly blessed and then at the moment where I thought it would all come together, it didn't. I was greatly disappointed when I was put in a situation that was out of my control. The preparation that I had made to be a contributor to society was dashed. It was another experience in which I had to learn patience and courage. The painful reality of it all was that I was never going to be able to get a job as a full-time teacher even though I had worked night and day for it. So now I am moving on. I don't know what life has to offer for me here but I think I am being led down another path than I wanted to be on.

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. How do I take that ball and throw it back? I don't know. Right now I am learning patience with change. I am in a new place, making new friends, and trying to keep busy. Instead of having my children close by they have moved on with their lives. So I am learning a different kind of patience without my family. Is there patience in being lonely? I think yes. Do I need courage? Yes. Can I make a life for Kerry and I here? Yes.

Change will always be a constant in life. In a hundred years my grandchildren with have great grandchildren and life will move on. I remember my grandmothers at my age. Their lives moved on...they participated fully in all that life had to offer. So will my children when they reach my age. I know they don't understand at this point how important being a parent is but they will learn through patience and courage just like I have learned. I love them and will love them forever just like they will love their children and my parents have loved too.

Birthdays: A nice pat on the back

Yesterday was my birthday and I got some nice pats on the back. Every once in a while its nice to know that people care about you. I had all my children call or be there for my birthday. Kent came home as a birthday present to me because I expressed to Kerry how much I missed my children. It was fun to have one home for my birthday.

Jenessa wrote me the sweetest note. I hope that all of it is true. Here is what she said: "Carissima Mamma Mia, Buon Compleanno! Another year come and gone already! Che pazzo. I hope you have such a wonderful birthday, because you are such an incredible mother! I love you with every fiber of my being. I can't ever express just how incredibly grateful I am for you. You are up there with the two top most important people in my life (with Dad, of course. I guess that would make God #0 then? He comes before all!) Anywho, I know that it is because of you that I am who I am today. Thank you for all your love, patience, attention, prayers, and sacrifice throughout the years. It is one of the greatest blessings a person could ever receive to have a mother like you! If I had to do it all over again and go back to the pre existence and pick my Mom all over again, it would of course be you. Always and forever. I'm so glad that we get to stay forever together as well! Happy and full of peace and joy. Thank you for all the peace and joy you have brought to me here. Your letters of inspiration and motherly advice are always such a great support to me, and really make me think. There's not a letter writer as faithful as you in the entire world! (Even though Grandpa Olsen's letters are pretty frequest, as you well know!) :) Ti voglio tanto bene Mamma! Un bacione, Sorella Jenessa Miles"
I cried as I read that letter because I love getting letters like that from my children and I save them.

Faith, Obedience, and Deliverance

Faith is a verb. It requires doing instead of just thinking. Praying requires faith as does actively trying to live a Christlike life. Faith is hoping something is true that is unseen and the confirmation of your faith comes when you do something about it. I have found that the more you think and talk positively about something, the more likely you are to positively believe in that thing and the more negatively you speak about something the more likely you are to dislike that thing.

When I was about eleven or twelve years of age my Dad got into this motivational speaker named W. Clement Stone. He would play his tapes over and over again as we drove to church meetings or other places. And we lived a long way from the church (about 40 minutes) to my young mind. So we (my 3 brothers, sister, and I) would sit in the back seat of the car and listen to the tapes while my Dad drove. It got to the point where we memorized parts of the tape and my brother Alan could quote them verbatim. "I feel happy. I feel healthy. I feel terrific." Those were the words of W. Clement Stone. The vocabulary of PMA became part of our vocabulary. If you don't know, PMA is an acronym for Positive Mental Attitude. So we grew up knowing that having a positive mental attitude would help you become the greatest positive thinker in life. I think W. Clement Stone had a point. Faith is like that. When you are positive that your prayers will be heard you start to pray. When you speak well of the principles you are learning about you believe them more firmly. That is why faith is an action word. Your faith grows when you positively speak of the good things that God has given and act upon those things that have been commanded of God. That goes with people too. When you speak positively about your parents or other people in your family you come to love them more. Isn't love a commandment? Jesus said, "The first and great commandment is love the Lord thy God will all thy heart, mind, and might. The second is like unto it, love thy neighbor as thyself." Faith and love go hand in hand.

That comes to the point that I wanted to make. When the children of Isreal were placed in bondage by the Egyptians, they started to pray and ask for deliverance. Their faith grew that God would deliver them. Now they were an important asset to Pharoah who wanted their labor and he didn't want to let them go. However, the children of Isreal believed that God would deliver them. They were obedient to the knowledge that they had. They knew that if they prayed to their God that he would deliver them. Moses told them to simply put the blood of a lamb around the door and the plagues would pass them by. It took faith for them to do so. In that action they were delivered from the plague and their first born were saved. How simple it was for them to do such a little thing but those who did were delivered.

This happened a long time ago but still if we exercise a small amount of faith we can be delivered from the problems we face. It might not be in the way we think it will happen but nevertheless it will happen. It might be a change in the way one looks at a situation or maybe a change that was unexpected in life. There is a plan for each of us and even though there are many people on this earth, God knows every one of us by name. He knows our hearts, what we do, what we say, and how we live. He will deliver us if we are obedient, exercise faith, and ask for deliverance.