Patience

I often wonder if learning patience and courage are one of my greatest faults and strengths. I have had to learn patience many times in my life even now have to be patient with the circumstances in my life. Pregnancy was one great learning experience for me in patience. I was sick in the first months of pregnancy to the point where I lost 20 plus pounds with each one. I went through it five times. At one point when I was pregnant with Kent I was talking on the phone with my Mom and found myself in the next instance I remembered lying on the floor with the phone in my hand. I didn't eat anything for two weeks straight and could only drink sips of Sprite. With Jonathan Kerry tied an ice cream bucket to my wrist so that if I couldn't make it to the bathroom...I don't want to finish that thought. Jan came over and helped me with Kristen. I had dwindled to 108 pounds and found myself unable to have the energy to do anything. I could not keep anything down and so she made me take two tablespoons of oatmeal every half hour until I could eat again because my body rejected everything. I prayed with Jenessa that it would be easier but in that instance I had to learn patience again. I got to the point where I was giving up and then thought of the baby. I had to choose to live, to force myself to eat, to choose to love someone more than myself. I wanted Jenessa and my other children and chose to live for them. Motherhood is like that sometimes in the way that a person has to give up a part of themselves for another.

There are many instances besides being a mother in which I have had to learn patience. Sometimes the cards that I have been given in life have shown me that life isn't fair. It is hard sometimes and there are things that seem to repeat themselves over and over. I often ask myself why I had to endure such things and fight against such odds. There are times when I have had to endure being blamed for something that I had nothing to do with and take responsibility for things that were out of my control. The frustration mounted at those times and I had to learn patience and longsuffering. I have never been rich, but I have had enough to sustain me. There have been times when I have wondered how I was going to buy groceries or how I was going to feed my family, if the debts we had incurred through school loans and doctor bills would ever be paid, or if my children would have enough. I am a person who worries about such things and often Kerry would tell me not to worry because he hates it when I do. At such times I have had to learn patience that the material things in life would somehow be provided.

When I was a teenager I thought that I could control everything that could happen in life. It isn't that simple. I thought everything would be great if I did everything right. I wouldn't have problems. I bet my sister thought like that too. She thought that if she did everything right that her life would be easier. It hasn't for her and I have had my own challenges. The agency of other people sometimes interferes with our idealistic life and hard work. I worked hard for 6 years because I wanted to have something to do when my children left home. It didn't work out that way. Circumstances happen in life that change everything. So I finished school at the top of my game. I graduated with honors all the way through, had scholarships, was greatly blessed and then at the moment where I thought it would all come together, it didn't. I was greatly disappointed when I was put in a situation that was out of my control. The preparation that I had made to be a contributor to society was dashed. It was another experience in which I had to learn patience and courage. The painful reality of it all was that I was never going to be able to get a job as a full-time teacher even though I had worked night and day for it. So now I am moving on. I don't know what life has to offer for me here but I think I am being led down another path than I wanted to be on.

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. How do I take that ball and throw it back? I don't know. Right now I am learning patience with change. I am in a new place, making new friends, and trying to keep busy. Instead of having my children close by they have moved on with their lives. So I am learning a different kind of patience without my family. Is there patience in being lonely? I think yes. Do I need courage? Yes. Can I make a life for Kerry and I here? Yes.

Change will always be a constant in life. In a hundred years my grandchildren with have great grandchildren and life will move on. I remember my grandmothers at my age. Their lives moved on...they participated fully in all that life had to offer. So will my children when they reach my age. I know they don't understand at this point how important being a parent is but they will learn through patience and courage just like I have learned. I love them and will love them forever just like they will love their children and my parents have loved too.