The Perfect Substitute Teacher

It just doesn't exist. I walk into a classroom and read the notes and promptly forget something important like for instance the 10/10 rule. That means students are supposed to not go to the bathroom 10 minutes after the bell rings and 10 minutes before the dismissal bell rings. Invariable some student has a small little bladder that can't wait the 10 minutes and they are threatening me that if I don't let them go right now...3 minutes into the class period...they will go all over the floor. They complain so loudly that the whole class is worried about this particular student making it to the bathroom on time and not wetting themselves. UGH. I have had it happen with middle and high school students. The guilt overwhelms one when you are faced with the option of giving a student a 'bladder infection' or letting them run to the bathroom when they know they are supposed to go during their break. This is a school rule and it is to be followed to the letter unless there is a real emergency. I think the solution to this is to become deaf or maybe fit middle and high school students with an extra bladder they wear just for school. It is hard to stick to the rules sometimes when you want to help a poor deserving child who has to run clear across the school to get to class on time so they won't be tardy and yet knows the 10/10 rule. However, the perfect substitute always follows the rules to the letter.

Losing things has become a problem this week. I think dementia has set in early. For example the perfect substitute takes care of the equipment in the classroom. At least I try to not let the students destroy the room while I'm there. Usually 99% of the time the room is left in very decent shape. I taught science this week and the students were to draw pictures of the water cycle. They had a substitute the day before who did not make the students do quality work. I got the job of reprimanding them and telling them that the teacher wanted them to be neat and creative. The pile of papers turned in the day before was diminished by half before I was through and the students were working on 'quality' projects. At the end of the last period to my horror the top to a big bottle of glue was missing. The lost glue lid was quickly found by a kind student and one problem was solved, then I looked at the floor and found 3 caps to markers. I had to find the missing uncapped markers next. That was not the end of losing things. I went to one job this week in a building that I had never been to before. My job was to go to 6 different classrooms and teach 6 different lessons. I desperately ran to the office to get a map of the school so I wouldn't get lost. After teaching the math lesson in the first classroom I misplaced the map. Quickly I tried to remember where I was going next and where I was to pick up the kids and take them. Was it the library? Was it recess? With my sub notes in hand I went to the wrong room. Of course the perfect substitute teacher never gets lost even with the most complicated schedule. No. NO. NOOO. I was in the wrong classroom. I was supposed to be 2 doors down the hall on the left and I was 2 minutes early. Okay. So I made it to the first grade classroom just in time to take them to the assembly. I told them to put a bubble in their mouth. (They can't talk in the halls with a bubble in their mouths. It is pretty comical going down the hall with 20-30 first grade kids with puffed out cheeks and your own puffed out. Of course the teacher was laughing.) Now half way through the assembly I was supposed to change classrooms. I was to find a group of kids I had never before seen in my life and take over for the teacher then take them back to their classroom. (I didn't have a key.) So here I am with about 25 first graders and no key to get into the classroom with bubbles in their mouths tramping through the office because that was the only way to get into the building and asking the kids where to go. We were 15 minutes too early and there were no plans for me. That doesn't happen to the perfect substitute. But it gave me time to find the next classroom of 5th graders, but oh no, I went to the classroom instead of getting them at recess. Here comes the teacher with his class of 5th graders. Now I'm supposed to teach them a math game in which they have to add a group of numbers and find the missing one or two in the row. It takes me a 1/2 hour to teach them and then I have to take them to the library...where is the library? I ask the kids. Oh no...I have to go to a portable classroom. There are 5 portables on the school grounds...which one is it? I start with the first one asking directions. Go next door he says. I go to the next portable. No not here go across the way to that portable. I made it but I was late. That never happens to the perfect substitute...she is always on time even though she doesn't have enough time to run from the library to the next classroom. Whew. The kids are doing catch up work. I sit down and write a note...then I tear it up. I don't want anyone to know about my day... And last but not least I forgot my coat in the teacher's office today. What a perfect end to the week. I had left the school and 15 minutes later returned for my coat. The office was closed but here comes the associate principal in training to my rescue. The coat was retrieved and I went home. That is what a perfect substitute does...she goes home and forgets about everything that happened this week.